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WORLD SECURITY COUNCIL: Director Fury, the council has made a decision.
NICK FURY: I recognize the council has made a decision, but given that it’s a stupid-ass decision, I’ve elected to ignore it.
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GILES: Now tell me about this review. No one said anything to me about this.
TRAVERS: Let’s sit down and talk about it over here.
GILES: [to rest of the Watchers] You all stand around and look somber. Good job.
— Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “Checkpoint” (5.12)
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XANDER: So, here it is. The latest in state-of-the-art combat technology. I gotta say, it doesn’t look that complicated.
BUFFY: So can you repair it?
XANDER: Sure. As soon as I get my master’s degree in advanced starship technology.
WILLOW: Well, why don’t we experiment? Press some buttons, see what happens.
GILES: I’d like to veto that.
XANDER: Second. It’s called a blaster, Will, a word that tends to discourage experimentation. Now, if it were called the Orgazmater, I’d be the first to try your basic button press approach.
— Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “This Year’s Girl” (4.15)
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GILES: You brought a date?
BUFFY: I didn’t bring him, he came.
GILES: Buffy, when I said you could slay vampires and have a social life, I didn’t mean at the same time.
— Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “Never Kill a Boy on the First Date” (1.5)
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BUFFY: Giles, I noticed you’re doing the smallest amount of helping that can actually be called helping.
GILES: Well, I saw myself in more of a … patriarchal sort of role. You know, lots of pointing and scowling. [points and scowls] You two, stop that!
RILEY: He started it.
XANDER: He called me a bad name. I think it was bad. It might’ve been Latin.
GILES: Stop it, or you’re going to break something.
BUFFY: Or I’m going to break something.
— Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “Family” (5.6)
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WESLEY: You’re not helping.
GILES. [Sarcastic] I know. I feel just sick about it.
— Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “Bad Girls” (3.14)
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WILLOW: Was [Jesse] dead?
BUFFY: Worse. I’m sorry, Willow. We were too late. And they were waiting for us.
WILLOW: At least you two are okay.
XANDER: I don’t like vampires. I’m gonna take a stand and say they’re not good.
BUFFY: So, Giles! Got anything that can make this day any worse?
GILES: How about the end of the world?
BUFFY: Knew I could count on you.
— Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “The Harvest” (1.2)
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GILES: I’m sorry. I should’ve had you better prepared, and I should never have allowed Willow and, uh… And, uh…
XANDER: I’m good. We’re fine. Just a little bit dirty. Good show, everyone. Just great. I think we have a hit.
WILLOW: Are you okay?
XANDER: Tip-top, really. If anyone sees my spine laying around, just try not to step on it.
BUFFY: Xander, one of these days, you’re gonna get yourself hurt.
FAITH: Or killed.
BUFFY: Or both.
— Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “The Zeppo” (3.13)
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GILES: (singing) I’ve got to warn Buffy,
There’s every chance she might be next.
Xander, help Willow,
And try not to bleed on my couch I’ve just had it steam-cleaned…
— Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “Restless” (4.22)
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WESLEY: I didn’t say you had emotional problems. I said you had an emotional problem. It’s quite different.
GILES: My ‘attachment’ to the Slayer is not a problem. In point of fact, it’s been a very…
WESLEY: The way you’ve handled this assignment is something of an embarrassment to the council.
GILES: If you want to criticize my methods, fine. But you can keep your snide remarks to yourself. And while you’re at it, don’t criticize my methods.
— Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “Bad Girls” (3.14)
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GILES: It appears to be paranormal in origin.
WILLOW: How can you tell?
GILES: Well, it’s so shiny.
— Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “No Place Like Home” (5.5)
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ETHAN RAYNE: Brilliant. Now, isn’t this more fun than kicking my arse?
GILES: No.
ETHAN: Oh. Well it’s more fun for me.
GILES: Just tell me what you want to tell me.
ETHAN: Tch. So cross. We used to be friends, Ripper.
— Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “A New Man” (4.12)
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BUFFY: My brain hasn’t processed everything yet. It’s not really functioning at the higher levels; it’s pretty much, “fire bad, tree pretty”. Anything more complex…
GILES: Understandable. Well, when it starts working again, congratulate it on a good campaign. You did very well.
BUFFY: Thanks.
GILES: I uh, I ferreted this out of the wreckage for you. You may not have any interest, but… I’d say you’ve earned it. There is a certain dramatic irony in the way things turned out. A synchronicity that almost borders on predestination, one might say.
BUFFY: Fire bad. Tree pretty.
GILES: Right. Sorry. I’d best check on Wesley, see if he’s still whimpering.
— Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “Graduation Day, Part 2” (3.22)
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GILES: She was only grounded for a moment. Still, if you’d been anyone but the Slayer…
BUFFY: Tell me the truth: how’s my hair?
XANDER: It’s great! It’s your best hair ever!
GILES: Uh, oh, yes.
— Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “I Robot — You Jane,” (1.8)
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BUFFY: Did you know about this?
GILES: No. Unless I blocked it from my memory, much as I will Xander’s vigorous use of his tongue.
BUFFY: Is that why you’re always cleaning your glasses? So you won’t have to see what we’re doing?
GILES: Tell no one.
— Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “All the Way” (6.6)
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